When someone has been abused, it may be a logical response to leave the relationship altogether. However, you’d be surprised to find out how many women are abused each day and actually stay in the relationship. Leaving is not an easy decision or task to carry out. Many victims hold onto the idea of what used to be, the idea that things will get better, or out of fear that their abuser will retaliate in a more violent way. Getting out is important and there are resources you can reach out to for help. Whether you need childcare, somewhere to live, or help getting a job there are programs willing to help you. No one needs to live in fear, so the first step is reaching out for help.
Getting Out of the Relationship
Those outside looking in will always question why you’re not leaving. However, when you’re in a relationship that is abusive, getting out might be hard to do. The reason it is so hard is because your partner has likely lead you to believe no one else cares for you, that you don’t have anywhere else to go, or that you don’t have the “know how” to survive financially on your own. While these thoughts can seem real in your mind, it is important to get out of the situation. The important things to remember if you’ve been abused are:
• It’s not your fault
• You are not responsible for your partner’s behavior
• You do deserve respect
• You deserve to be safe
• You aren’t the only one and there is help out there
Making the Final Decision to Leave
“Mind control is built in lies and manipulation of attachment needs.” – Valerie Sinason, from the Forward of the book
Alison Miller, Healing the Unimaginable: Treating Ritual Abuse and Mind Control
As you contemplate on whether or not you want to leave this abusive relationship or if you want to stick around and save it, here are some things you want to keep in mind:
• When hoping for change – Your partner is not likely to change overnight. Abuse is generally a continual thing. Change is however, possible but it takes a lot of time and professional help.
• When believing you can help – There is nothing you can do to help someone who does not see a problem with their actions or who refuses to change. The only person you can control is yourself and your children who should come first at this point.
• If your partner vows to change – When their actions are exposed or threatened to be exposed abusers are known to become apologetic. However, as time goes on they most likely will return to their violent ways.
• If your partner is actively seeking professional help – Even while in counseling there is no real proof that your partner won’t hit you anymore. Many abusers will continue being violent even with counseling. Therefore you should still consider distance between you until they have shown real change.
• If you’re contemplating the consequences of you leaving – It can be scary to leave, especially when your partner is making threats. However, just consider the consequences of staying such as your child being abused or the abuse getting worse.
Planning for Your Safety
Whether you’ve decided to stick it out or move on you should be sure to plan for the safety of your children and yourself. Here are some safety tips that can help you:
• Learn the triggers – to the best of your abilities it is important to know when your partner might strike and find ways to avoid the violent outburst. Take the kids out to play at the park or visit a family member until they cool off.
• Find a safe haven – If you’re going to stick it out, you should be sure that you have a place you can run to when your abuser becomes violent. This should not be a place such as a closet as you could trap yourself, but going into a bedroom with a phone is a good idea.
• Create a code word – To keep everything in prospective, it is a good idea that you come up with a warning word that you can say to your children, family members, or friends that are around so that they know you need help and to call police.
• Be ready to leave – Even though you might want to stay, you need to have an escape plan in place. Make sure that you’re ready to leave at a moment’s notice. There should always be gas in the car; you should have a change of clothing, and some cash on hand.
• Practice Leaving Safely – If you have children it is especially important to practice a safe exit route for if you need to leave in a hurry. Just as you would for a fire drill, check all of your exit possibilities.
• Create a List of emergency contacts – If you don’t have access to a car or money you may need to have a list of emergency contacts that you can reach out to for help.
Protecting Your Privacy
Are you afraid that your spouse will retaliate if you reach out to someone for help? This is a common problem and a legitimate concern for many battered women. Instead of hiding out in fear, there are some actions that you could take to keeping yourself safe and your privacy intact.
Avoid Cordless Phones – If you can, use a corded phone to make a call from your home. This is much more secure and difficult to tap.
Use a prepaid phone card or call collect – If you don’t want the phone numbers that you call to show up on your phone bill, be sure to call collect or use a prepaid phone card to make personal calls.
Manage your cell phone settings – Be sure that you do not have your tracking GPS on your phone turned on as your partner can easily locate you.
Utilize a safe computer – if you want to research ways to get help it is important that you be careful of where you research. Use a safe computer such as one found in a public library that your spouse will not search.
Change your passwords and login information – Your email and social media accounts will need to be protected at all costs. Change your login information frequently to avoid your abuser finding out information.
Going to a Shelter
If you really have no place else to go there are women’s shelters for battered women and their children to stay. They are usually large homes with multiple rooms or apartment buildings with women who have been abused. The shelter’s location is never revealed which is a great way to keep your abuser from finding you. While there, the shelter will provide you with whatever you need to survive including clothing, food, and childcare. While the stay is limited, the shelters do help women find a permanent place to live, a job or education training, counseling services, and financial assistance to those who are in need.
Protection After You Leave an Abusive Relationship
Many are worried about who will protect them once they decide to leave their abusive homes. To keep yourself safe, you might need to “go missing” from your partner for a while. Some great ways to keep your new location a secret are to:
• Get a new phone number and ensure it’s not listed
• Get a PO Box for mail and don’t utilize your home address
• Cancel any financial accounts that you’ve had in the past and get new accounts
If you cannot relocate very far, you can still protect yourself locally by switching up your routine from time to time. Find new locations to hang out and go shopping and take a different route when dropping your kids off and school and going to work. If things are serious getting a restraining order is also an ideal way to keep the attacker at bay.
Getting Help to Move on
The emotional and physical scars of domestic abuse can be very tough to deal with. Just getting out of the relationship is not enough to get over the damage this has caused. You need to make sure that you join support groups, seek counseling, and gather the support of those you love to make it through. You should work on healing and growing for yourself before entering a new relationship. Once you’ve completely healed, your therapist can show you tools on how to develop a healthy relationship in the future.
Resources
- National Domestic Violence Hotline
1-800-799-7233 (1-800-799-SAFE) TTY: 1-800-787-3224 - Battered Women’s Legal Advocacy Project
- Family Violence and Prevention Services
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