The thought of losing someone close to you can seem quite traumatic. However, when someone you care a lot about or have a close relationship with passes away, it can seem like the most devastating thing to ever happen to you. Many people experience feelings of anger, pain, as well as other overwhelming emotions as they go through such a trying time.
You should never feel that you are alone, as grieving the loss of something dear is completely normal as are the emotions that come along with it. There is no real concept on how you should grieve, as everyone has their own way of getting through the pain, however, what this will offer is a bit of advice on how to grieve in a healthy manner and eventually get past the pain and on with life.
There is a sacredness in tears. They are not the mark of weakness, but of power. They speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues. They are the messengers of overwhelming grief, of deep contrition, and of unspeakable love.
Washington Irving
Understanding Grief
Grief is best defined as emotional distress that a person goes through when someone or something they cared about is taken away from them. When you’re significantly close to the person that passed away, it can take a much longer time to get through the grieving process. The most common type of grief experienced is death, however, other reasons for grieving could be any of the following:
- The demise of a marriage or significant relationship
- News that you’ve lost your job
- Suffering from a miscarriage
- Death of a pet
- Relocating from a location you grew up in
Grieving is Different For Everyone
You are not able to measure your grief or recovery based on someone else’s experience. Grieving is a process that is very different from person to person. There are several factors that play a role in how you will grieve. These factors include your ability to cope with change, your level of faith, the type of loss it was, and your overall personality. However, no matter what the circumstances are, the grieving process is going to take time before you’re over it.
The objective of course is to heal from your grief, however, this is not something that can be rushed or pushed into happening in any given time-frame. For some, the healing will come in a few weeks, whereas others can take several years to really heal. So no matter how long you’ve been grieving, you should know that there is no ideal stopping point, and simply allow yourself to work out the emotions with time.
The Five Stages of Grief
Discovered in 1969 by psychiatrist Elisabeth Kubler-Ross, the five stages of grief come to fruition as she studied patients suffering from fatal illnesses. The five stages of grief are:
- Denial
- Anger
- Bargaining
- Depression
- Acceptance
It is important to note that not everyone will go through all five of these stages, which is certainly ok. There are some people that didn’t have to experience any of the stages shown above and were still able to grieve properly. Again, it is essential that you understand that while these are general stages of feelings while grieving, they are in no particular order and therefore you should not take this list as a gauge for where you think you should be.
Signs You Could be Experiencing Grief
Even though the healing after a loss is going to be different for different people, there are some common signs that you should pay attention to. Also, keep in mind that during the beginning stages of grief, you’re going to experience feelings that may feel abnormal, but in essence are completely okay to have. When experiencing grief common symptoms might include:
- Feelings of shock or doubt – When you first discover the loss, it is pretty normal for you to be surprised and unwilling to accept what just happened. There are some that have a numbing feeling, while others simply refuse to belief what is truth. When the loss is death, many patients experiencing grief have even denied the incident to the point of expecting the person to show up at their front door.
- Extreme sadness – This is one of the most common symptoms experienced when dealing with a loss. People have been known to feel empty, alone in the world, and even cry without a moment’s notice.
- Feelings of Remorse – Again, when dealing with the loss of a loved one due to death, many will begin to feel remorse for their own actions. Some will feel like there was more they could have done to prevent the death, while others will feel guilt for not being nicer or saying more positive things to the person before their death.
- Rage – When dealing with grief from the death of a loved one, many people have reported feeling anger and rage. When it comes to religion, many have become angry with God, while others have tried to put blame on others including the doctor or hospital.
- Dread – Many after losing a loved one will begin to fear the loss of their own life, the lives of other friends or family members, or the fear of the unknown in living life without that person in their lives anymore.
Grief is more than just an emotional concern; it can also begin to affect you in the physical sense. Some common physical symptoms of grief could include weight loss or gain, decreased immunity, extreme fatigue, lack of sleep, or body aches and pains.
No one ever told me that grief felt so like fear. – C. S. Lewis
Getting Support to Cope with Your Grief
When you’re dealing with grief, it is very important that you do not isolate yourself and grieve alone. You need the support of others who care about you to be there in your time of need. Even if you’re not normally the “emotional type”, now more than ever you should be expressing your feelings of grief and leaning on shoulders you can depend on. Here are some ideas on where you can receive support from:
- Family and Friends – Even if you’re always the rock in the family, everyone falls short sometimes. Therefore, it is really important that you reach out to those that you know have your best interest at heart. Be open about your feelings and tell them how they can help you get through this.
- Religion – You will need to rely on your faith to get through the healing process as well. If things such as meditation, prayer, and going to a place of worship are meaningful to you in y our daily life, you should continue doing this. Sometimes being in the midst of people who believe what you believe and have been through what you’ve gone through is the best medicine.
- Support Groups – If you don’t have someone personally or in your inner circle that you can confide in during this time of grief, it is a good idea to consider joining a support group. Being around those who are also grieving and sharing your experiences can help you get through the pain and onto better times.
- Talk with a professional – If you really feel like the grieving process is taking too long on your own and is too much to handle, it is time to meet with a professional that has experience in helping patients cope with grief.
Taking Care of Yourself as You Grieve
The news of losing something dear to you can drain all of the energy you have left and leave you feeling physically and emotionally depleted. Many times you will hear of people suffering from a loss that have completely “let themselves go”. This is not something that you should do. Your physical and emotional health is important, and neglecting that fact can really be detrimental to your health in the long run. By taking care of yourself, you need to be sure that you are:
- Allow yourself to feel – No matter how much you try to tuck your feelings away, you can’t avoid grief. If you’re going to heal the first thing you need to do is admit that you’re grieving and allow yourself to feel whatever pain you’re experiencing.
- Learn ways to creatively express your feelings – There are many ways that you can get your pain out without being destructive or holding it in. Consider investing in a journal, or writing letters to the loved one you lost.
- Take care of your physical health – You need to understand that your physical and mental health are intertwined. This means that when you feel great physically, you will begin to feel great mentally. Make sure that you’re eating the right foods, getting sufficient sleep, and exercising.
- Don’t be forced to feel a certain way – You may hear a lot of people telling you that you should “move on” or “get over” what you’re going through. However, as expressed before, the grieving process takes time and will be different for each individual. Therefore, you should not allow others to force you into feeling better, nor should you judge or time yourself on how you’re grieving.
- Prepare and plan – there are going to be triggers that will cause you to feel grief all over again. This is especially true after the loss of someone who was close to you. Events such as birthdays, anniversaries, and more will cause you to reflect on the loss once again. Learn new ways to get around those triggers so that you don’t hinder your healing.
Long Term Grief
While the grieving process has no time limit, there are some indicators that your grief is getting worse or more complex. If after a period of time your feelings of sadness, loneliness, and anger are still very strong, you might need to seek help as you could have what is known as complicated grief or major depression.
Complicated Grief
While the pain that you feel for losing a loved one may never fully go away, there comes a time when it should not be as intense. If you’ve found that you’re unable to move past the pain, you could have complicated grief. This is when you are unable to carry out the daily tasks because you’re too consumed with sorrow. Some symptoms you might pay attention to are:
- Extreme desire to have the loved one back
- Refusal to believe the death took place
- Looking to find the loved one alive again
- Avoidance of triggers that remind you of your loved one
Depression vs. Grief
Depression and grief have a lot in common which makes it hard to decipher the difference. Unlike depression, grief is an emotional roller coaster. There are a long range of emotions that you will feel and it can change from day to day. However, with depression, you constantly feel as if you are hopeless and empty. Here are some signs you could be experiencing depression verses grief:
- Constant thoughts of ending your own life
- Unable to complete daily tasks
- Extreme feelings of guilt
- Feeling of being worthless
Knowing When to See a Professional
If you’ve reviewed the above symptoms and feel that your grief is no longer simple, but more like complicated grief or depression, you may need to seek the advice of a mental health professional. When these mental conditions go untreated, they can lead to serious health problems including suicide. You should reach out to a therapist if you:
- Don’t want to live life anymore
- Wish your life had been taken as well
- Feel fault for their death
- Unable to perform daily tasks
A professional will provide you with the support you need to get passed the pain and move on with your life. Again, the loss of a loved one will never go away, but with the right plan in place, you can get back to living your life.
Resources
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