Divorce is undoubtedly hard on the couple going through the breakup. It can be equally hard on the children involved, as well. For children, divorce is stressful, confusing, and causes a lot of emotional turmoil. One of the best things that you can do is partner with your ex-spouse in an effort to make the divorce as easy as possible on your children.
Twitter-Tweet “Mommy and Daddy are Getting a Divorce looks at the tough questions like: Do children go through the same emotions adults go through?” Mommy and Daddy are (@MommyandDaddyar) October 28, 2013
What Your Child Needs
Your child needs emotional and physical support from both parents throughout the divorce process. Keep these needs in mind:
• Involvement. Both parents must stay intrinsically involved in their children’s lives. This includes participating in activities, talking, and spending time with all children. If it is not possible to be physically involved in their day to day lives, make it a point to call or email on a daily basis.
• Effective co-parenting. Co-parenting is one of the most difficult aspects of divorce, but it is incredibly important that parents make it an effort to get along with one another when it comes to matters regarding their children.
• Communication between parents. One of the most important aspects of co-parenting is communication. Make it a point to talk to your ex about all matters of your children’s life.
• Love and affection. Divorce is stressful on every member of the family. It is important to show your child that you love them by being kind, available, and affectionate. Enjoy the time that you spend with your children, regardless of what is happening in your marriage.
• Respect for the other parent. No matter how sad, angry, or resentful you feel, do not speak ill of your ex in front of your children. It will only hurt your child and will make your child feel as though you are pressuring him or her to choose a side.
How to Talk to Your Kids
As much as you want to protect your children from the pain of divorce, you will need to address the situation with them eventually. The type of conversation that you have with your children will depend on their age and maturity. It is important that you know what to say and how to say it so that you consider their feelings and provide them with the information that they need to make them feel as comfortable as possible.
Be honest.
Do not lie to your children about the divorce, or give them false hope that you and your spouse may work things out if you are not truly considering reconciliation. Be honest about what is happening, but consider their age and maturity when deciding what details to provide about the divorce. When it comes to divorce, simple honesty is the best policy.
Let your children know you love them.
Children often feel at fault when their parents’ divorce. They feel as though they caused the break up because of their own behavior or actions. Let your child know that the divorce isn’t their fault and that you love them unconditionally. Support your words with action.
Tell your children what to expect.
A lot changes for kids when their parents’ divorce. Address these changes in an honest, upfront manner. Talk about things that will be different, such as mom and dad living in separate houses, moving to a new school, or getting a new bedroom. Change can be scary for kids so it is a good idea to talk about upcoming changes in advance.
Provide Reassurance
The process of divorce and all of the changes involved are intimidating and scary. No matter how much you talk to your child, they will likely have questions and concerns about the divorce process and how their lives will change. Be there to provide them with the support and reassurance that they need. Listen to their concerns without judgment and provide age-appropriate information and guidance to help them get through this difficult time. Some ways you can provide reassurance for your children include:
• Address their feelings. Your children may feel angry, sad, relieved, or resentful of the divorce. Their feelings matter, so it is important to reassure them that their emotions are normal and important. Listen to your children and allow them to express themselves. Help them express and process their emotions. Acknowledge their feelings and let them know that you feel sad or angry, too.
• Be honest. Children often have misunderstandings or misconceptions when it comes to divorce. Talk about the divorce as often as necessary and ensure that your child understands that the divorce has nothing to do with their actions or emotions, but rather is a decision that you and your spouse made together.
• Be loving. Love and affection are some of the best things that you can do for your children. When you are there to support them and to let them know that things will be okay, you will provide the emotional reassurance that they need to get through the divorce and realize that life will continue on and they will be happy once again.
Working With Your Ex
When you are going through a divorce, the thought of working with your ex may make your stomach turn. When you have children, however, you will need to learn how to put your own feelings aside and co-parent for the sake of your children. The earlier you develop your skills, the better off your family will be. Certain things can help you learn to work together and address the needs of your children. These include:
• Talk in private. Don’t argue in front of your children. If you have trouble avoiding arguments, meet in a neutral, public location for discussions that concern the children.
• Be tactful. Remember the old adage, “If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all.” This rule includes your feelings about your ex-spouse.
• Be positive. Focus on the big picture and see the bright future that awaits you. Small conversations and arguments won’t matter in the long run, so instead, focus on working together in a positive way to achieve both of your goals.
Getting Extra Help for Your Child
Children often struggle with the idea of a divorce. Certain responses are normal and expected, while others can be extreme and should alert parents that additional help may be needed. Normal reactions include:
• Anger in the form of rage, frustration, and resentment
• Anxiety, especially regarding upcoming changes
• Mild depression, expressed as sadness
Red flags that parents need to look out for include:
• Sleep problems
• Difficulty concentrating
• Trouble at school
• Substance abuse
• Frequent angry outbursts
• Withdrawal from friends, family, or daily activities
• Self-injury
• Changes in eating habits or eating disorders
If your child demonstrates any of these behaviors, they need to be addressed immediately. Talk to your child’s pediatrician who can refer you to a therapist if necessary.
Books and Resources
Putting Children First: Proven Parenting Strategies for Helping Children Thrive Through Divorce
JoAnne Pedro-Carroll
Divorce is Not the End of the World: Zoe’s and Evan’s Coping Guide for Kids
Zoe Stern, Evan Stern
The Truth About Children and Divorce: Dealing with the Emotions So You and Your Children can Thrive
Robert Emery
The post Children and Divorce: Helping Kids Cope appeared first on .