Most people assume that domestic violence is something that women go through; however, there are lots of men who are abused as well in relationships. Just because in most instances men are physically stronger than women, does not mean that a woman cannot abuse a man. Men who are abused very rarely come forward to report it because there are limited resources for help, legal complications, and facing humiliation from police. It is important to know however, that no one deserves to be abused, and getting out of an unhealthy environment is the key to moving on.
Understanding That You’re Not Alone
Men often think that they’re the only ones who are being abused by their domestic partner or wife, but it happens more often than you might imagine. There are men of all cultures, religious backgrounds, and walks of life that experience abuse day in and day out. In fact, studies have shown that out of three domestic violence relationships, one of victims is a man. Men often feel embarrassed by coming forward as it seems to take away from their masculinity. Other reasons they don’t discuss the matters are because they fear the police will assume they were the attackers, or that no one will believe their story.
Women, though not always physically stronger can be serious abusers. They are commonly known for biting, kicking, and throwing things. Women are also known to try to get a “leg up” on the men and attack when they least expect it or are most vulnerable such as while the man is asleep. Weapons are also a common act of a woman. They will utilize guns knives, and other weapons to harm you.
While domestic violence can be physical, your domestic partner or wife could also be emotionally abusing you by doing the following:
• Verbally humiliating you in front of your friends and family
• Acts of jealousy and accusations of cheating
• Controlling behavior
• Threatening to leave and taking the children
Reasons Men Don’t Leave an Abusive Relationship
“There’a a phrase, “the elephant in the living room”, which purports to describe what it’s like to live with a drug addict, an alcoholic, an abuser. People outside such relationships will sometimes ask, “How could you let such a business go on for so many years? Didn’t you see the elephant in the living room?” And it’s so hard for anyone living in a more normal situation to understand the answer that comes closest to the truth; “I’m sorry, but it was there when I moved in. I didn’t know it was an elephant; I thought it was part of the furniture.” There comes an aha-moment for some folks – the lucky ones – when they suddenly recognize the difference.” – Stephen King
It can be common for people to think that an abused man should be able to leave their troublesome wife or partner; however that is not always the case. What most fail to realize is that even though the relationship is abusive, the victim still cares about the relationship and would rather try to “make it work” than walk away from someone they once loved. For those who have been a victim to domestic abuse, they know exactly how difficult it can be to just walk away. The common reasons that many feel they have to say is because:
• For the safety of the children: Many women will use the children as leverage to get their partner to stay in the relationship. Most men don’t want to walk away because they fear that their partner will harm their children, or go through legal matters to ensure they never see the children again. It is very difficult in most cases for a father to obtain full custody of the children which makes it hard to move on. For those fathers who contemplate going for custody, they struggle with wondering if they can do a good enough job raising the children on their own.
• Embarrassment or Shame. Men have high egos and take pride in being masculine. The very idea that they “allowed” themselves to be abused by a woman makes them feel ashamed. Their role as protector feels diminished and as a result they do not want to report it or leave the situation.
• Personal Beliefs – Some men either believe for religious or personal reasons that leaving their wife is not the best thing to do. Many are left feeling as if there is nowhere else for them to go.
• Lack of Resources. As stated before, authorities sometimes have a difficult time understanding how a man was abused by a woman, and as a result, the men are usually accused as being the abuser.
• Have not come out yet. For those men who are in a same sex relationship but have not yet made this a public fact, staying seems a lot less humiliating than exposing their secret.
• Denial. Many feel that they can help or change their abuser with time. Just like women often deny there is a problem, men do the same thing with the hopes of making things right one day. Of course no one wants to admit that someone they love is harming them, and therefore they try to stick it out.
Getting Support for Men
“One’s dignity may be assaulted, vandalized and cruelly mocked, but it can never be taken away unless it is surrendered.” – Michael J. Fox
Domestic abuse can have a serious affect physically and psychologically on you as well as your children. It is important that you begin the steps to getting help with your troubles. The first order of business would be to reach out to someone you know cares. This could be a friend or family member that you trust. If you don’t have a personal support system, reaching out to domestic abuse programs is the best next step.
As a man you have to understand that you’re doing the right thing. Many get caught up in wondering if they have failed at being a great husband to their spouse. It is important to understand that you’re not the failure and that you’re not weak because you’ve been abused. Start sharing what is going on behind closed doors so that you can begin getting the help you need and also build a case for custody so that you can keep seeing your children.
Dealing with abuse no matter what your age, gender, or sexual orientation can be tough. It is important that you follow the necessary steps to getting help. Never respond to violence with violence, and get away from the situation if you can. The longer you wait to reach out, the harder it will be and the more the abuse will grow. Don’t allow yourself or your children to continue to be in an unsafe environment, reach out to someone and get the help you need before it is too late.
Resources
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