Domestic violence and abuse are very common among couples today. However, the problem is that not many people report it or come forward to get help. Lack of reporting the violence is ideally in situations where the abuse is more psychological than physical. If you want to get out of a violent or abusive relationship it will be important for you to speak up. Take heed to the warning signs and get the support you need so you don’t have to live in fear anymore.
More about Domestic Violence and Abuse
“If you have survived an abuser, and you tried to make things right… If you forgave, and you struggled, and even if the expression of your grief and your anger tumbled out at times in too much rage and too many words… If you spent years hanging on to the concepts of faith, hope, and love, even after you knew in your heart that those intangibles, upon which life is formed and sustained, would fail in the end… And especially, if you stood between your children – or anyone – and him, and took the physical, emotional, and spiritual pummeling in their stead, then you are a hero.” ― Jenna Brooks
Domestic abuse is commonly known as spousal abuse. This is when a person inside of a deep relationship or marriage is abused by their partner. However, when the abuse becomes physical, it is then called domestic violence. Whether domestic abuse or domestic violence, it is important to understand that there is only one purpose for this behavior; to control their partner. The abuser will use feelings of shame, guilt, and intimidation to maintain control.
There is no specific race, religion, age group, or profession that is more susceptible to domestic violence as it can happen to anyone at any point in their relationship. It is also important to keep in mind that it’s not always the woman that is the victim as there are men who have been abused as well. Such negative behaviors will not go away on their own which is why getting help is important.
Warning Signs of an Abusive Relationship
Domestic abuse if not reported or denied can escalate from being emotional to physical without warning. Victims are at risk every day that they stay and do not say something to someone who can help. The trouble with most victims is that they don’t believe it is “abuse” until they are physically harmed. Truth be told, most abuse starts off emotional and over time can become physical and more violent. Emotional abuse can eat away at your self-esteem, your self-worth, and make you feel less than. Physical abuse of course can harm your body and some even die.
There are signs that can help you in determining whether or not you’re in an abusive relationship. Ask yourself a few of these questions to get a gauge on whether or not you should be concerned:
• Are you afraid of your partner
• Does your partner yell at you a lot
• Do you avoid certain conversations for fear
• Does your partner constantly put you down
• Do you feel that you’re never doing the right thing for your partner?
• Does your partner embarrass you in front of friends and family?
• Does your partner hurt you or threaten to hurt you?
• Is your partner very controlling?
• Do you sometimes feel forced into having sex?
• Does your partner isolate you from others?
If you’ve answered yes to any of these questions, you may need to separate from your partner and get some help.
Physical Force in Relationships
“What are you going to do? Are you going to live in the dark, locked in here? Afraid to look out, answer the door, leave? Yes, he’s out there, and he’s clearly not going to leave you alone until one of three things happens: he hurts you and gets arrested, or he makes a mistake and gets arrested, or you stop him.” - Rachel Caine, Fall of Night
If your partner has been using physical force to get you to do what they want, this is a serious matter that should not be swept under the rug. Using physical force on someone is against the law whether it’s a complete stranger or your spouse. If you report it to the authorities, you can immediately get the help you need to get out of that violent environment.
Sexual Abuse in Relationships
Another form of physical abuse is sexual abuse. When you are forced to engage in sexual activities with your partner against your will, this is abuse. Just because they are your spouse or partner does not give them the right to force themselves or anything else upon you. Not to mention, sexually abused victims have an increased risk of being harmed badly or even killed by their partner.
Emotional Abuse
There is a common misconception for many that domestic abuse is simply a man or woman who has been badly beaten by their spouse. However, domestic abuse can also be emotional. There are many women and men who are emotionally abused on the daily basis who are not aware.
Emotional abuse is meant to make the partner feel unworthy and dependent upon the abuser. Those who have been emotionally abused begin to feel that either there is no way out of their problems or that they could not live without their partner. Emotional abuse can include things such as constant yelling, personal insults such as name calling, and acts of making other partners feel ashamed. Acts of extreme controlling, isolation, and intimidation are all signs of emotional abuse in a relationship.
Many feel as if physical abuse would be far greater and have more of an impact than emotional abuse, however, that is not always the case. While physical abuse can leave damaging scars, emotional abuse leaves psychological damage which can run deep.
Abuse is a Choice Made by the Abuser
Many victims fall for the idea that maybe their partner is unable to control what they’re doing. However, no matter how much your abuser might beg and plead and claim they can’t help themselves, abuse and violent behaviors are a choice and not a forced action. There are many ways in which an abuser will try to harm you such as:
• Dominance
• Humiliation
• Isolation
• Threats
• Intimidation
• Blame
• Denial
Keep in mind that they are able to control these behaviors. While there could be an underlying problem as to why they act out, they can stop any time they want. However, abusers are known to target their victim, they know when to abuse, and they know how to stop their actions when it is most convenient for them. Abuse is thought out carefully, and carried out in a way that will keep the abuser from trouble if they can help it. Therefore, as a victim, you should never fall for the excuses that might come.
The Vicious Cycle of Abuse
Abuse is not constant in a relationship as abusers know how to manage their actions. If someone was in a relationship in which they were beat up on every day, they are more likely to leave the relationship. However, what generally occurs is a cycle so that the victim will be more willing to stay.
1. Abuse – physical or emotional abuse occurs
2. Guilt – next the abuser will feel guilty for their actions as they don’t want to get caught
3. Excuse – They will justify their actions with an excuse
4. Normalcy – After making an excuse, the abuser will maintain “normal” behavior so that the victim stays put
5. Thoughts – The abuser will build a “case” on things you should be abused for and wait for the right time to do it
6. Setup – The last step is the abuser setting up a scenario in which they can “justify” their actions to hit you again.
Many victims get confused because their partner seems very apologetic after having harmed them. The truth is that they don’t want you to leave and would like to continue controlling you. Thus in most cases, the apologies are not sincere.
Signs of Domestic Abuse and Violence
Whether you’re a friend or family member trying to get help for a loved one, or a person who is in an abusive relationship and looking for warning signs, these should let you know right away that something is wrong in the relationship.
• The victim seems afraid or nervous around their partner
• The victim agrees with everything the partner says
• The victim is constantly checking in with their partner
• The victim is talking to others about their partner’s temper and controlling ways
• The victim always has bruises and makes excuses for why it happened
• The victim attends work or school much less
• The victim begins wearing clothing to hide marks and bruises
• The victim has lost touch with friends and family
• The victim and the partner are always together in public
• The victim has an allowance and has no access to finances
• The victim begins to lack self esteem
• The victim becomes depressed
Say Something Right Away
If you or someone you know is being abused now is the best opportunity you have to say something about it. If you’re an outside party, you should not consider it any of your business as your loved one could end up seriously hurt or dead. If you’re in the relationship and holding out for change, you should understand that no one deserves this treatment, and while some abusers can change, it is best that you separate for a period of time.
Getting a loved one out of the relationship can be difficult. Abusers are very good at controlling their victims and therefore it may take a bit of support and even legal help to make the change. After you or your loved one has walked away from the relationship, it is important that you get them professional help in order to get rid of the negative feelings they’ve harbored inside. Recovery from an abusive relationship can take some time, but with the support of others, anything is possible.
Resources
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